What more is there? | On Motherhood, full time photography & other transitions
I hope you don't mind me unveiling my heart because this post is from the depths of it.
2016 has been a year of transitions for me. I went from being a simple barista to Marketing Lead at Concord Coffee, a local (and amazing!) coffee shop here in Lakeland. Then the Lord opened doors for me to pursue photography full time. By far, the scariest leap of faith I've taken. But I needed to step up the quality of work I was producing & achieving while not feeling like I was being pulled in a million directions. It was bittersweet leaving my team behind to work solo (aka, alone) but the hard work started to pay off and I was able to be a part of once in a lifetime opportunities, and for that I'm grateful.
All was going great. And then, it happened.
3 negative & 3 positive tests later, we found out we're pregnant.
My heart sank.
Into a dark place.
I thought to myself, "this was supposed to be my time! The last season to make it about me before we plan a child! Lord, why now?". Don't get me wrong, we were planning on trying to have kids, just not right now. On the other hand, "YAY! I'm going to be a mom! Some people wait for a while before the miracle happens and it happened to us without thinking much of it. Thank you Lord!"—In hindsight, I realize hormones had a lot to do with this reaction. Knowing this didn't make it less real.
Well, this baby demanded a lot of me. My energy was depleted, my life felt meaningless and I felt like I was in a hole I was never going to get out of. "God, what more is there? What more do you have for me?" I asked. His response was loving and patient: "Motherhood".
This word changed everything. It changed the way I view my photography, my future & I can't see myself shying away from such a calling of God. I got to hear my baby's heartbeat, in which I felt joy for like the second time in my life (for my husband, it was the first time). I just learned that my baby is wrapped up in the placenta, inside my uterus, and that's like a transparent sac that's filled with salty fluids—so basically there's an ocean inside of me and it's giving my baby life. My baby is technically a mermaid/merman Y'ALL! And let's not forget what's at the end of the year for me: birth. I used to cringe at the idea of labor & giving birth but the Lord has been so present in this journey for me, that I trust Him—I can do this! I placed my hand over my 14 week bump and I told my baby, "I've never done this before, and it sounds challenging, but we get to do this together. We can do this!"
Yes, I can do this. The Lord has been promoting us in many ways the past few weeks and although there's a particular transition that I was not excited about, I know that it is best. Please pray for my family as God leads our growing family to the next step for us ministerially. We have a calling, a passion for the things of God and gifts/talents that been on hold & rejected for 5 years and so, at this time, God is asking us to leave behind the little we were doing for the unknown. As I hold on to Matthew 10:14 & Psalm 25, my heavy heart responds to the Lord in obedience and "Yes, I can do this. I've never been here before Lord, but we get to do this together".
Baby Holstein hasn't been born yet and is already teaching me about the Lord.
That's the loving, graceful, compassionate, strong, full of mercy, refuge kind of God that I serve.
Yes, I can do this.