Baby Holstein has not made his/her debut yet and that means I'm still pregnant.
I didn't think I would be here. I felt so sure this baby would come before 2016 ended but alas, here we are. I feel extremely well—no swelling, contractions aren't unbearable and I can still walk without feeling out of breath; baby is head down, heartbeat is normal and in no stress whatsoever. It's just not time yet.
God has been showing me patience. Just when I thought I was done with a waiting season, He brings me another opportunity to learn more about it. Perhaps I will never know life without waiting, life is about the journey after all. But can I just be real for a moment? I am over it. I have to work really hard to keep positive and remind myself each morning that God's timing is much better than mine. That induction is lurking around the corner and medical intervention might be inevitable. This is not what I planned, envisioned or desire. There's no guarantee that the birth you plan will be the birth you get, and I've known that through these 10 months. But I can't help but feel like there is no reason for me to be induced when the baby is healthy, in position and just waiting for the right moment to come. I trust my baby and my body to do what they need to do. Birth is a natural, beautiful thing.
And in the midst of this possible induction, I trust God above everything else. He knows the purpose of this child and the process of this child being born. I have to let go. Lately, that's all I do—I give this baby back to God every day. By doing this, I'm slowly grasping what the future of parenting holds for me. As the words of the Elisabeth Elliot bring comfort to my soul:
“If we hold tightly to anything given to us unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used we stunt the growth of the soul. What God gives us is not necessarily “ours” but only ours to offer back to him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of, if we want to be our true selves. Many deaths must go into reaching our maturity in Christ, many letting goes.”
Surrendering to God's will for my life and the arrival of this baby is part of the journey. I've been told that it's easier to care for a baby that's inside of you than one that's out in the world. And as true as that statement is, I am yearning to see my baby's face and hold him/her in my arms. My heart feels like it will explode from all the love I have been storing for the past 283 days. Nursery is ready, car seat is in place and my parents flew from Puerto Rico to meet the little one. I'm excited and ready to embark on the new roles God is giving me and my husband, that of being parents. There will be more to give up, opportunities to let go and, yes, seasons of waiting. I'd like to think God is giving me a practice run haha. Cheers to overdue babies and waiting!
"I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done."
—Elisabeth Elliot
Maternity images by Kenzie Packrall